Re: i was delirious with this world...

[Kestrel]

Dang! Some good stuff fkusumot... like it alot... i finally found where they post the dates on these things... looks like thread has been cold for a bit 3 cheers for lateness. But, if anyone does stumble on this, or even not, the first ver. of your poem:
"a day goes by and i call it a day
everyday another day to call a day
it seems so simple
but i lost my entire world
to gain the world, and a day"
... I loved... because it got to: "and a day" somthing about starting and stopping with the same thought that is so... i dunno, rewarding. Those country songs (don't laugh too hard, some are very nice) that start with a word or phrase and then end with the same words, but the meaning over the course of the song has changed them, so that it is like seeing a person grow up or a town develope, along with your own understanding. A writer takes the reader with him/her as they define somthing that is dimly understood by both and then shows deeper concepts to the reader gradually. That is cool.
However, I really liked the 2nd ver. better
"a day goes by and i call it a day
everyday another day to call a day
it seems so simple,
just acknowledging each day
by being able to say
"it's another day""
An old fashioned greeting... a nod and a tip of the hat to another day, not bad, not super great, just... there. And once i think about it a day that is "just there" is a pretty dang good day, cause that means that i am not thinking about a million other things... just kinda a blank slate for the day, and that is pretty exciting... new starts taht is. That is a feeling that i can connect with, and it is put well. Contentment.
"I set a rock here
You set a rock there
Wherever you go, may you have luck
Placing rocks, one by one"
This one is cool because this is the kinda thing we do with memories anyway... set little markers or tags or pictures as we go. Difference is we take those with us... this is leaving somthing there a mark, but at the same time, if i left a bit of gum on the statue of liberty i think i could more exactly picture that spot than if i had just looked at it as i passed it in a line with 100 other ppl, so perhaps this is a case of exchange where the rock helps you with your tagging. I personally took it literally when i read it and thought it would be cool to buy a small bag of penny sized flatish rocks and do a roadtrip, and come back empty I think the Godfather once told me about a guy or ppl or somthing that lazsers somthing into all manner of stuff all over the world in weird places... which is impossible to see w/o some magnification. that is kinda the same thing and i thought that was way neat... kinda like art... not always for the masses... often just for itself. (And when you go to bed at night you do not have to count sheep, you can just picture your laser script on that satalite up in freezing space and picture it slowly going around).
"i was delirious with this world
could have laughed, could have cried
tried to make it all go as fast as it could
and it did until i closed my eyes"
I was reading "The Demons" by Fyodor Dostoevsky today at lunch (trying to wade through, which was not the case with The Idiot, so I dunno what's up), and there was a part were a guy was talking about death and the fear of the pain just before death, and how if ppl could get past that they would be gods. This reminded me of that. What would it be like if you could not care to the point that laughing and crying and sane and crazy were all one thing? Not to care about death or pain, but still able to take the joy outta what there was to take joy out of... a meal, a movie, a walk, going 90 in a 45, all the good stuff. Anyway... a little dark/crazy for me, as cool as that might be I think of a Dorian Grey/Gray kinda thing where there is a lotta underlying screwed up stuff that is not on the surface and yet very much a art of the equasion. Very nice, but headed me into thoughts i would rather skirt just me tho.

Night turned day when you stepped out of the mist.
Your smile made the sun seem pale.
Your touch scattered all earthly chains.

Why must your beauty haunt me ?
Why can time nether heal nor let me forget ?
Who are moody the puppetmasters of my soul ?

I awoke to one split second of bliss,
but the unyielding emptiness beside me
pierced my hart with a thousand swords.

I know that feeling El, in the 8th line (or 3rd stanza 2nd line, been a while from poetry... never was too keen on it in the younger years): it is the have not had anything to eat in days, i am about to give a speech for which i am not ready, i almost killed somone, i am gonna barf, empty kinda feeling. Well, in the middle of it it can be all that... after a little while you can tone it down to a kinda echo feeling that is a "i am gonna be sick, or maybe i just need fresh air to get over it" feeling. Well, that is the way it hits me. Amazing how you can almost recreate that feeling by thinking about those kinda things, almost like a rollercoaster (sp?).

Poetry... I gotta say, i do not tend to like mine, and rarely like others at first taste, but i have found that taste is just one part of comsumption, somtimes you can be content with texture, and somtimes you just need to get offa your comfortable diet and go grab some Sushi, get somthing raw and different and have it go round in your mouth, feel it, taste it, swallow, digest. maybe you learn somthing, maybe you just place a rock there and move on, and that is ok, infact somtimes it is more fun NOT to have to make a big deal about somthing you are just ok with. "Noticed you have 100 books by this dude, he good?" "not really, he is just another day to call a day". Not a hill to die on, not the one that claims to have been a fan when he goes platinum, he is just that guy that you read. Read, write, give a nod.

My compliments to the thread, dead or alive
(due apologies for spelling, grammer, punc't. and anything else that would make reading this a pain and/or generally not worth your time)

[pichu]

Lets do a Haiku... someone start.

[Kestrel]

"Haiku is a poetic form and a type of poetry from the Japanese culture. Haiku combines form, content, and language in a meaningful, yet compact form. Haiku poets, which you will soon be, write about everyday things. Many themes include nature, feelings, or experiences. Usually they use simple words and grammar. The most common form for Haiku is three short lines. The first line usually contains five (5) syllables, the second line seven (7) syllables, and the third line contains five (5) syllables. Haiku doesn't rhyme. A Haiku must "paint" a mental image in the reader's mind. This is the challenge of Haiku - to put the poem's meaning and imagery in the reader's mind in ONLY 17 syllables over just three (3) lines of poetry!"
http://volweb.utk.edu/school/bedford/harrisms/haiku.htm
Just so ppl can se that this is not rocket science.

Lets do a Haiku
It is not really that hard
The verses don't rhyme
(that was not a good one, but eh, i wanted to work in "lets do a haiku" as it was just right)

The imagery is suppose to be very important... and mine was not even there as far as imagery goes.

"The Technique of Comparison - In the words of Betty Drevniok: "In haiku the SOMETHING and the SOMETHING ELSE are set down together in clearly stated images. Together they complete and fulfill each other as ONE PARTICULAR EVENT." She rather leaves the reader to understand that the idea of comparison is showing how two different things are similar or share similar aspects."

a spring nap
downstream cherry trees
in bud

ancestors
the wild plum
blooms again
http://www.ahapoetry.com/haiartjr.htm

After spring showers
Droplets glisten on twigs ends,
Cool and refreshing
http://www.sondra.net/al/vol8/85rain.htm

Many jacks
Standing along the graveyard
Silently laughing
http://autumnhaiku.blogspot.com/

I do not think all Kaiku follows the 5,7,5 nor does all of it follow the somthing somthing else forming a whole, or even the somthing somthing else then contrast with last line. It is easy to follow the 5,7,5: the other stuff get a little harder.

I will try and come back and write somthing different a little later.

[El Duderino]

Haikus are so lame,
The dude does not get Haikus,
Why are they so lame ?

Was that a Haiku ???

[Don Ramón]

you can found some haiku here:
http://forum.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=messageboard.viewThread&entryID=12280885&groupID=102109363&adTopicID=10&Mytoken=88939582-AB43-4121-988AC63193BC0EDF192948015
this is from RUbang myspace

[Kestrel]

Ok i was talking with a guy from Japan about this and he said that he does not think that our syllable thing captures the flow of Haiku in its native language, tho that is the attempt he also says that there is always somthing seasonal in the true Haiku... if not it is called somthing else i forget what, and that lastly they never put somthing that overlaps in the Haiku... if you say pumpkin then you would not later put falling leaves... cause both have the same idea of fall, and in a style that seeks to put the most meaning into the smallest form that would be pointless. That being said... do whatever you want here if you can do somthing along the lines of the real stuff you are a better person than I otherwise have fun with the 575

[fkusumot]

Dang! Some good stuff fkusumot... like it alot... i finally found where they post the dates on these things... looks like thread has been cold for a bit 3 cheers for lateness. But, if anyone does stumble on this, or even not, the first ver. of your poem:

"a day goes by and i call it a day
everyday another day to call a day
it seems so simple
but i lost my entire world
to gain the world, and a day"

... I loved... because it got to: "and a day" somthing about starting and stopping with the same thought that is so... i dunno, rewarding. Those country songs (don't laugh too hard, some are very nice) that start with a word or phrase and then end with the same words, but the meaning over the course of the song has changed them, so that it is like seeing a person grow up or a town develope, along with your own understanding. A writer takes the reader with him/her as they define somthing that is dimly understood by both and then shows deeper concepts to the reader gradually. That is cool.

You definitely got the gist of that one. The analogy with country songs is apt. I was trying to incorporate the feeling or style of a mantra.

However, I really liked the 2nd ver. better

"a day goes by and i call it a day
everyday another day to call a day
it seems so simple,
just acknowledging each day
by being able to say
"it's another day""

An old fashioned greeting... a nod and a tip of the hat to another day, not bad, not super great, just... there. And once i think about it a day that is "just there" is a pretty dang good day, cause that means that i am not thinking about a million other things... just kinda a blank slate for the day, and that is pretty exciting... new starts taht is. That is a feeling that i can connect with, and it is put well. Contentment.

You understood the rewrite in EXACTLY the way I intended it to be read. It's meant to be a blessing given to oneself and as a way to begin and end things on a positive and realistic note. The feeling of contentment was truthfully the inspiration for the poem.

"I set a rock here
You set a rock there
Wherever you go, may you have luck
Placing rocks, one by one"

This one is cool because this is the kinda thing we do with memories anyway... set little markers or tags or pictures as we go. Difference is we take those with us... this is leaving somthing there a mark, but at the same time, if i left a bit of gum on the statue of liberty i think i could more exactly picture that spot than if i had just looked at it as i passed it in a line with 100 other ppl, so perhaps this is a case of exchange where the rock helps you with your tagging. I personally took it literally when i read it and thought it would be cool to buy a small bag of penny sized flatish rocks and do a roadtrip, and come back empty I think the Godfather once told me about a guy or ppl or somthing that lazsers somthing into all manner of stuff all over the world in weird places... which is impossible to see w/o some magnification. that is kinda the same thing and i thought that was way neat... kinda like art... not always for the masses... often just for itself. (And when you go to bed at night you do not have to count sheep, you can just picture your laser script on that satalite up in freezing space and picture it slowly going around).

Bravo! I like your idea of leaving something everywhere you go (the important places, I guess). It's kind of anti-consumerism in its own way. Most people buy a souvenir, not bring something to place. Very nice!

"i was delirious with this world
could have laughed, could have cried
tried to make it all go as fast as it could
and it did until i closed my eyes"

I was reading "The Demons" by Fyodor Dostoevsky today at lunch (trying to wade through, which was not the case with The Idiot, so I dunno what's up), and there was a part were a guy was talking about death and the fear of the pain just before death, and how if ppl could get past that they would be gods. This reminded me of that. What would it be like if you could not care to the point that laughing and crying and sane and crazy were all one thing? Not to care about death or pain, but still able to take the joy outta what there was to take joy out of... a meal, a movie, a walk, going 90 in a 45, all the good stuff. Anyway... a little dark/crazy for me, as cool as that might be I think of a Dorian Grey/Gray kinda thing where there is a lotta underlying screwed up stuff that is not on the surface and yet very much a art of the equasion. Very nice, but headed me into thoughts i would rather skirt just me tho.

You are scary good. That poem was about dealing with demons and madness. It was also fairly explicit about the fear of death. Spot on explication. A+

Thanks Kestrel for taking the time to read my short poems and do some very nice commentary on them. I am honored by your work. It's very helpful to me to get feedback like yours.

[iclim4]

I feel like I just delve into the minds of creative geniuses.
And I'm not just saying that to flatter.
You guys make me one happy lurker.

[Mako]

Some good stuff!

[fkusumot]

I write more, but it's all in my head. It seems like I usually write at night while I'm sleeping and them the purpose of my day becomes forgetting what it was those words were meant to mean...

"Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. Every time a needle hits a vein a demon gets its horns."

[Luinil]

Welcome back Frank. Good to see you again.

[Mako]

"Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. Every time a needle hits a vein a demon gets its horns."

Very interesting stuff....

[fkusumot]

"Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. Every time a needle hits a vein a demon gets its horns."

Very interesting stuff....

That was just a joke. It sounds like lou or patti or neil or maybe nick cave may have. Would not be at all surprised if one of them didn't say it (or write it in on of their books).

I really like LOU (GOD), NEIL (Dirty old Father), Patti (Not so much, but for helping out other females rockers and supporting some great groups) and Nick Cave (Clown Prince, I once watched him shoot up in one of those elevators that has glass walls, decent show too but I like Nick w/BS or solo much better than with TBP).



P.S. - I anyone's interested I'm willing to T...R...Y stretching myself out a bit. If you want to throw out a couple themes or even sketches if you want. THANKS!

[fkusumot]

Illa Kary'gun wa JE'M, asdeeqaya, elwaheedun min elnowah`he

The dream is gone, leaving only unraveled shards of time.
When all hearts opened, each spirit mixing in their cups,
Memories and moments left tears remembered when falling,
All lost when spent upon the summer earth.

Later in fading light I saw a god in the sunset. A trick of fevered
Imagination shone a smile from the clouds. Then a faint tease of
Hope stole 'neath your eyes. For a moment I thought you had set
The sun... Then swayed by the moon, onward with the rip tide.

(C) 1983
(C) 2009 - Rewritten/reworked



I like this one personally (because I wrote it?) but I have no idea if it's any good.

2. Does anybody else pick up the themes from it or the moods?

3. How to improve it? (General or specific.)

4. Ah, title reads "For Craig and Jim, Two Friends - One of a Kind". Said thing is I haven't talked Craig in 15 years and Jim for over 2. Ya gotta keep up those relationships. Each of us saved on of the other's life one time or the another.

[Flow]

I feel like dropping a freestyle here

Somebody give me a beat and i'm good to go

[zex]

*gives beat*

[Mako]

*takes beat away*

[Luinil]

*slaps mako. Gives beat back to zex to give to flow*

I wonder if anything i have written in the past would be appropriate to post...

[zex]

Does it contain a lot of sex and perverted things? If it does, then yes, it's very appropiate

[fkusumot]

Running so fast moving with that trying just before so close reaching,
Reaching but I'm coming down it seems winning is another time
Slammed back here I try so hard doing the same thing every time yet
It's all regret at each end.

I can't hear angels above the Demon grabbing a rocket moving shooting
So much is freedom tying yourself fast in the air breathing harder now the
Haze plays with itself unnaturally showing words, hurt, Go on! running so
Fast Moving with that trying just before so close to reaching.

[fkusumot]

Thei-reyes down

I lift up my yearning,
Us never understanding each others whys.
It's cliched words: Burning, Churning, Yearning - but not learning
With neglect, no Charity for any of the work or truth or the lies

OUR Words stopped, Silence leaving failed converse and some murmuring
Desperation for a sign, Coming and Going, ruts forming trails
Denying a start, forgetting the end, making words forming grails

OFF with that baptism of Burning, Churning, Yearning - but not learning
.
I lift up my Yearning

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